Stoner food is slowly becoming a culinary category of its own. If I told my 16-year-old self this 9 years ago, she probably would have giggled, paused, and said “sorry… can you repeat that? I wasn’t listening.”
But, alas, the future is here, and the flavors of the future are being led by the people who love food the most: cannabis connoisseurs and alcohol enthusiasts. While Toledo’s legal laws are at parent-who-is-going-to-ignore-that-funny-smell level, there are plenty of options to satisfy your, uh, cravings for things that happen to be sweet, salty, crunchy, filled with texture (OMG that texture), and, of course, deep fried.
As many 20-somethings in Toledo know, the only place to go when you need to let a “grill monkey” cover tater tots with mac n’ cheese and give you a sandwich that is equal parts delicious and messy is The House of Eats (HOE), owned by Micah Risher.
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Yes. Yes. Yes.
Not only does HOE make the kind of things that could only appear in a hybrid Garfield/Cheech and Chong dream, they also do it well. Whether or not you have the munchies, or the more specific empty-my-debit-card-for-something-melty craving that comes with the drunkies— HOE has something for you. They don’t just serve up some weird microwaved cup of something like cake mix that you saw on Pinterest, this is hand-crafted, loved, labored, delicious, not-very-nutritious, gooey, greasy munchies at their best.
Here are 5 thoughts I had when I enter the HOE to dine.
(My selections would almost definitely prompt a serious scolding from my mother):
1) “IS THIS BERRY SAUCE??? WHAT IS THIS???”
No, it’s ketchup. Seriously. To craft homemade ketchup, HOE chefs venture into a day long, tedious process, a seriously unreasonable thing to do unless you really love food prep. Fortunately, HOE chefs LOVE to prep, and the taste is incredible. Thinner and more fruity-flavored than the major brands, HOE’s ketchup is one of their many signature, homemade sauces that make you drool. See Bloody Mary Mayo for a similar example. Drools.
2) “Side of fries? Just throw them on top.”
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One week's special: Tater Tots with Bacon Country Gravy and Cheddar Cheese. $5 looks good.
Sure, I could get fried potatoes on the side…. but what is this place? Applebees? At HOE, you can just have them “throw em on top.” Sandwich? You’re adding fries to it. Soup? Fries. Salad? Whatever. Palm of your hand? Your hat? Just do your thing. They also have tater tots. Yeah, tots. Treat yo self.
3) “Finally… someone else agrees that mac n cheese is a sauce.”
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Yelp reviewer Michael C. explains "Mac n cheese with chicken on top and tater tots on bottom." Damn, Michael. Damn.
A bowl of mac n’ cheese is soooo “babysitter” or 3am drunk. Sure, maybe you feel fancy and you added some heavy cream (woaah there, Chef Ramsay) and your own cheese, or made it from scratch. Ooh, breadcrumbs. Whatever. Your at-home bowl of pride looks OK, but please, for the love of God, stop putting it on Instagram. Instead, put it on top of fries. Or tots. Or chicken chunks, called “HOE balls.” It really doesn’t matter what you put your mac n’ cheese on top, as long as you understand their homemade pasta dish can basically be used as a gluttonous dressing for food that is already unnecessarily caloric. HOE’s “choose your own adventure” menu let’s you realize the lucid dreams of a deep fried pickle sandwich, or whatever else you want.
4) “Hah! At least that guy’s food is more fattening than mine.”
It's ringing.
Stop kidding yourself. He might have tofu under that mound of fried chicken and onion rings. Don’t hate, just enjoy. Even though your mozzarella stick wrap or 10 inch sandwich is definitely going to require more than one lazy elliptical session at the gym, it’s OK. Seriously. You are getting the chance to eat a tomato wrap filled with fries, sweet slaw, spicy bbq, grilled red onions, ½ pound of pulled pork, “spyzee” garlic and shredded cheddar (The Soul Food Coma). Don’t ruin the moment. It’s all gravy.
5) “Will I regret this later?”
Probably— though we hear HOE will soon focus on healthy options for those days when you want to hold the french fries with your salad.
The House of Eats is located inside The Bier Stube at 5333 Monroe St. | 419-841-6723 | Open 11am-2am daily.
Check out the menu online at houseofeats.com or facebook.com/thehouseofeatswithinbierstube
