Tuesday, November 12, 2024

The most scandalous, sometimes-hilarious, and overall stupid criminal reports

Police records aren’t typically funny, but we’ve all watched enough Home Alone to know that, sometimes, criminal “masterminds” have yet to even master their own mind. Between false reports, mysterious jugs of water (hey, at least it isn’t Flint’s water), Toledo has its fair share of problematic police reports.

The only thing worse than a backstabber is a . . . little lower
Crews were dispatched to Fernwood Avenue on November 17 after a Toledo woman stabbed her boyfriend, a Toledo resident, in the back and butt. Witnesses say the man was fighting with the woman’s son when she began to attack him with a pocketknife. The man was transported to Toledo Hospital. Butt-stab wounds bruise the ego as well as the body.

Old MacDonald had a pharm…
Prescription medication can be expensive… especially when it isn’t yours. To alleviate the common ailments of boredom, not having anything to do, and chronic monotony, a truly sick individual mistook a locked, parked car for a CVS and picked up full prescriptions of Zoloft, Neurontin, Seroquel and Suboxone. Think they’ll be too zonked to have fun? Don’t worry, they stole a radio, too. I suspect they plan to listen to some Pink Floyd and ride the whole thing out.

Wrong person to crash into
On November 14, a Toledo man was driving a Hyundai and struck a Toledo police officer on the front driver side of the vehicle. The officer reported that the man ran a stop sign at the intersection of Spencer and Colton, claiming he did not see the police car. A breathalyzer showed that the driver was intoxicated.  Perhaps we should add “makes police and stop signs invisible,” to the list of effects from consuming alcohol.

Brutal hospital visit
A Toledo man was hospitalized and then in rehab for three months. The woman who he was renting a room from paid the man a seemingly friendly and supportive visit that took a drastic turn when the woman demanded $200 from the sick man in exchange for his belongings— do you still think your roommate is bad?

The Most Dangerous Container of Water
On December 4, a deputy sheriff reported that he saw a plastic container with liquid in and around in by several traffic cones near Common Pleas Court. When the police and fire departments arrived, they evacuated the workers from Common Pleas Court and Municipal Court. They determined the liquid was ice melt and water. A construction company used the ice melt to anchor the traffic cones down. They suspect the cone fell exposing the container. Better safe than salty.

Give me the Pizza and no one gets hurt!
A Marco’s delivery driver was making a delivery on South Ave. when she was approached by a black male with dreadlocks who demanded the pizzas with a gun in hand. The driver said she had seen the suspect before the robbery with another black male on the porch of a vacant house. We suspect the vacant home is filled with many delivery driver’s lost food. However, the investigation of the lost pizzas continue.

Escaping with flaming wheels
The victim of a stolen Dodge Durango spotted his vehicle driving through the Old West End neighborhood. When the victim began to follow the vehicle, the suspect accelerated missed the turn onto eastbound Pinewood from Brown, and crashed into a vacant building. The suspect trying to free the vehicle, instead caught both the building and car on fire, then fled the scene in, what we assume to be, a flame of embarrassment.

Pizza + Dog + Gun = Emergency Room
Units responded to a gunshot victim on Rambo Lane. As the victim was delivering the pizza, the customer was placing his gun on the table. The customer’s dog knocked the gun from his hand and it fired a round on the victim’s right leg. The victim was transported the hospital and the overly excited dog strikes again. 

Hanes tank tops double as underwear
A robbery was reported at the Kroger on Suder Ave. The loss prevention officer in the store witnessed a man putting a package of Hanes tank tops into his pants. When the man exited the building, the officer identified himself and instructed the suspect to come with him to the office. After initially complying, the suspect pushed away from the officer, tried to run away and almost knocked over a little girl. The officer then wrestled the man into handcuffs and transported to Lucas County Jail. No word on if the tank tops are still in the suspect’s pants.

Reinventing the wheel
One local do-gooder was recently alarmed by the quality of bikes two young children were riding around the neighborhood. Or, so we hope. A certain Robin Hood on Wheels decided to “exchange” the boy’s baby blue bike and the little girl’s purple and silver roadmaster with a single bicycle left in the yard. Is one bike better than two? No. Absolutely not. Never.

Monkeying around at Captains Carryout
A gorilla-masked man entered Toledo's Captains Carryout on 315th Street and demanded money. The “gorilla” was not carrying a banana in his pocket, but rather, an actual handgun. With the money in-hand, the “gorilla” fled on foot, instead of employing a jungle vine-swing.

Cutting gas
Tired of complaining about gas prices? So was one unnamed suspect until they found the deal of their life: free, not-so-easily available gas,
straight from a stranger’s car. The funneling felon took matters into their own hose with stealth by liberating 12 gallons of gas from a parked car.

Ke$ha, your dentist is worried
After many years of waking up in the morning to brush her teeth with a bottle of Jack, pop “singer,” the artist formally known as Ke$ha, decided to switch to a more classic approach: toothpaste. Apparently, her cavities were craving some of that good stuff, prompting an “unknown suspect” (KE$HA! IT HAS TO BE KE$HA!!!) to break a car window and stole a bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey and $200. I know she lost the $ in her name, but sheesh.

Police records aren’t typically funny, but we’ve all watched enough Home Alone to know that, sometimes, criminal “masterminds” have yet to even master their own mind. Between false reports, mysterious jugs of water (hey, at least it isn’t Flint’s water), Toledo has its fair share of problematic police reports.

The only thing worse than a backstabber is a . . . little lower
Crews were dispatched to Fernwood Avenue on November 17 after a Toledo woman stabbed her boyfriend, a Toledo resident, in the back and butt. Witnesses say the man was fighting with the woman’s son when she began to attack him with a pocketknife. The man was transported to Toledo Hospital. Butt-stab wounds bruise the ego as well as the body.

Old MacDonald had a pharm…
Prescription medication can be expensive… especially when it isn’t yours. To alleviate the common ailments of boredom, not having anything to do, and chronic monotony, a truly sick individual mistook a locked, parked car for a CVS and picked up full prescriptions of Zoloft, Neurontin, Seroquel and Suboxone. Think they’ll be too zonked to have fun? Don’t worry, they stole a radio, too. I suspect they plan to listen to some Pink Floyd and ride the whole thing out.

Wrong person to crash into
On November 14, a Toledo man was driving a Hyundai and struck a Toledo police officer on the front driver side of the vehicle. The officer reported that the man ran a stop sign at the intersection of Spencer and Colton, claiming he did not see the police car. A breathalyzer showed that the driver was intoxicated.  Perhaps we should add “makes police and stop signs invisible,” to the list of effects from consuming alcohol.

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Brutal hospital visit
A Toledo man was hospitalized and then in rehab for three months. The woman who he was renting a room from paid the man a seemingly friendly and supportive visit that took a drastic turn when the woman demanded $200 from the sick man in exchange for his belongings— do you still think your roommate is bad?

The Most Dangerous Container of Water
On December 4, a deputy sheriff reported that he saw a plastic container with liquid in and around in by several traffic cones near Common Pleas Court. When the police and fire departments arrived, they evacuated the workers from Common Pleas Court and Municipal Court. They determined the liquid was ice melt and water. A construction company used the ice melt to anchor the traffic cones down. They suspect the cone fell exposing the container. Better safe than salty.

Give me the Pizza and no one gets hurt!
A Marco’s delivery driver was making a delivery on South Ave. when she was approached by a black male with dreadlocks who demanded the pizzas with a gun in hand. The driver said she had seen the suspect before the robbery with another black male on the porch of a vacant house. We suspect the vacant home is filled with many delivery driver’s lost food. However, the investigation of the lost pizzas continue.

Escaping with flaming wheels
The victim of a stolen Dodge Durango spotted his vehicle driving through the Old West End neighborhood. When the victim began to follow the vehicle, the suspect accelerated missed the turn onto eastbound Pinewood from Brown, and crashed into a vacant building. The suspect trying to free the vehicle, instead caught both the building and car on fire, then fled the scene in, what we assume to be, a flame of embarrassment.

Pizza + Dog + Gun = Emergency Room
Units responded to a gunshot victim on Rambo Lane. As the victim was delivering the pizza, the customer was placing his gun on the table. The customer’s dog knocked the gun from his hand and it fired a round on the victim’s right leg. The victim was transported the hospital and the overly excited dog strikes again. 

Hanes tank tops double as underwear
A robbery was reported at the Kroger on Suder Ave. The loss prevention officer in the store witnessed a man putting a package of Hanes tank tops into his pants. When the man exited the building, the officer identified himself and instructed the suspect to come with him to the office. After initially complying, the suspect pushed away from the officer, tried to run away and almost knocked over a little girl. The officer then wrestled the man into handcuffs and transported to Lucas County Jail. No word on if the tank tops are still in the suspect’s pants.

Reinventing the wheel
One local do-gooder was recently alarmed by the quality of bikes two young children were riding around the neighborhood. Or, so we hope. A certain Robin Hood on Wheels decided to “exchange” the boy’s baby blue bike and the little girl’s purple and silver roadmaster with a single bicycle left in the yard. Is one bike better than two? No. Absolutely not. Never.

Monkeying around at Captains Carryout
A gorilla-masked man entered Toledo's Captains Carryout on 315th Street and demanded money. The “gorilla” was not carrying a banana in his pocket, but rather, an actual handgun. With the money in-hand, the “gorilla” fled on foot, instead of employing a jungle vine-swing.

Cutting gas
Tired of complaining about gas prices? So was one unnamed suspect until they found the deal of their life: free, not-so-easily available gas,
straight from a stranger’s car. The funneling felon took matters into their own hose with stealth by liberating 12 gallons of gas from a parked car.

Ke$ha, your dentist is worried
After many years of waking up in the morning to brush her teeth with a bottle of Jack, pop “singer,” the artist formally known as Ke$ha, decided to switch to a more classic approach: toothpaste. Apparently, her cavities were craving some of that good stuff, prompting an “unknown suspect” (KE$HA! IT HAS TO BE KE$HA!!!) to break a car window and stole a bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey and $200. I know she lost the $ in her name, but sheesh.

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