‘Tis January, catz ‘n’ kittenz, and the calendar has dropped another leaf upon the dusty ill-swept floor of history. And you all know what that means, dontcha?
That’s right! It’s time for another round of making smarmy self-help promises that we have no intention of keeping! See, January is named for the Roman two-faced God Janus. Ol’ Janus had a double visage, one looking into the past and t’other firmly planted toward yonder golden future horizons. A perfect metaphor for the turning of the year.
An even better metaphor for New Year’s resolutions. Yep, such resos are a manifestation of looking back and seeing all the foolhardy, self-serving, reprehensible qualities that have so bedeviled us in the past, then resolving to do better in the upcoming year.
So how ‘bout it, folks? Here’s a quick list of resolutions for this humble inky garbage dump, based on our past failings. And hoo boy, do we expect to do better in the future! To wit, we shall also rate the odds of keeping our resolutions past this single issue.
Sinking the Fink
Reso Numero Uno. No more mention of Carleton S. Finkbeiner. Ever. We will waste no more of our precious political musings on what the Fink thinks or whether the Fink stinks. How many FOCers (Friends of Carty)will it take to change a light bulb in One Guvmint Center? We refuse to consider the question. Will the Stinkyfinger run for County Commissioner, or Chair of the Democratic Party, or the Council District Two seat? We shan’t give a rat’s derriere. The Finklestinker has just had his last mention in this here column. Odds we’ll keep this resolution? About the same odds that Carty will simply fade into the swampy woodwork and keep his skinny nose out of City Politics. Slim and none, and slim just checked out.
Number two. No more jokes about how old the current City leadership is. We’ve made a mockery of the fact that Toledo Mayor Uncle Dennis has filled his administration with retreads and has beens, while lining up some never wases to ostensibly take their places when they ride off to the old folks home. We’ve already run into the ground the fact that the average age of Toledo City Council means they remember the days before color TV and think Pinterest sounds slightly X-rated.
But this smacks of unacceptable ageism. We therefore resolve to never again point out that those currently in charge are old. We shall instead call them well-seasoned. Perhaps they are from a generation past its prime, a relic, a remnant of days long gone by. Mebbe they are a bit out of date, out of touch, and have forgotten that this hasn’t been the Twentieth Century for over thirteen years. But old? Well, sure they are. We just won’t say it anymore.
We’re pretty certain we can keep this one, if only because it’ll be a lot more fun to see how many ways we can call these fogeys “old” without directly using the word.
Number three. We resolve to be more fair and balanced in our opinions. Over the past years of blathering on about City Politics we have taken a decidedly liberal slant. Along the way we’ve opined against domestic abuse and gun violence and for a more just and equitable society for people of color. Readers have taken us to task for taking these stances.
In the upcoming year we’ll balance the books. We will write effusively about the need for victims of domestic violence to take the blame for their own victimization. We shall call for repealing the regulation of firearms, including the right to keep and bear flame throwers, shoulder-fired missile launchers and plastic hand guns. We will repeatedly remind our dear readers that slavery ended nearly a century and a half ago, and that a just and equitable society flourished quickly thereafter.
Epic resolution fail
Except for the resultant share-cropping that amounted to indentured servitude and Supreme Court-sanctioned segregation and employment discrimination and ongoing institutional racism and…well, obviously we can’t even keep that one through the rest of this very column. Nope, that one ain’t a-changin’, folks. We just gotta be who we already is. You want fair and balanced, go read…umm, there probably isn’t anything we’d recommend. But it’s as sure as the fact that the Fink is old isn’t here.
Oops. Looks like we can’t keep any of our resolutions. So fuggeta bout it. Resolutions rescinded. On to the future, Janus baby!
