Perhaps it’s just bluster for the finals of the Toledo Toughman Competition set to take place tonight, but City Leaders have recently made the declaration that they could “Beat Perrysburg like a drum.”
While it wasn’t immediately apparent if Toledo meant that it would simply overpower the other in some sort of head-to-head slugfest, or if there would be more strategy involved a la a “paintball scenario.”
Nevertheless, Toledo’s brazen claim of outright physical superiority was also accompanied by calling the much smaller hamlet of Perrysburg by the derisive “Perfectsburg” in regards to the city’s perceived “haughty” attitude.
“They speak with their teeth touching, it’s creepy,” said one anonymous local, who is totally a very nice mom and you wouldn’t expect her to talk shit like this. “They think they’re so good. So great. I’ll tell you— they’re scrapbooks are pretty basic. It drives me nuts that other moms are jealous of them.”
“I don’t think they’re so awesome,” agreed one Toledo local who asked to be identified as “Thriller” Diller. “I mean, without Levis Commons, that place ain’t so great. Oh, or Swig.” He then yelled “SWIG” several times at the top of his lungs, to really drive home his assessment of what in Perrysburg “rules.”
At the time of printing, there has been no conclusive time set for when the two cities will “rumble like a California earthquake,” but as far as trash talking is concerned, Toledo clearly already has the upper hand.
And the better Costco. Consider yourself served, Perrysburg.
For more of our special Weekend Edition,
discover Kroger’s new plans for the Secor and Monroe property, how Toledo’s highways stay rough for Jeep, or the possible rebranding of the city as ”Toledo: Presented by ProMedica.”
