Sometimes we think we get a pretty bad rap. Folks knee deep in City Politics seem to think we’re nothin’ but a big ol’ meany, feverishly waiting like a rabid mongrel to dig into any foible or missed step. Au contraire, mon frère. We’re actually quite cuddly, loving, as we do, all things froggy. And this is the season to prove it.
In the spirit of the holidaze we thus present our chock full-o-nuts gift list. Like the fat red elf his bad self, we hereby give the following local politicos our bestest gifts that they may have a season of joy and good will. Deck the halls, kiddeez!
Mike Bell. Ol’ Bell Bottoms makes the top of our gift list. As the frequent target of our tainted barbs over the four years of his single term as T-Town Mayor we feel we owe it to him to wish him well as he transitions back to civilian life. We thus give him a golden parachute that he might float softly and safely to terra firma. The loss of the fat mayoral salary may be a blow to late night clubbing, but we bet dollars to doughnuts he won’t be retired for long. You read it here first. His days as Guvnah Kasich’s “buddy” shan’t soon be forgot.
Dennis Michael Collins. To the Mayor-elect with the deer in the headlights look and both feet planted firmly in the nineteen fifties, we offer a full jug of his namesake Michael Collins Irish Whiskey. First, we hope it takes the edge off and lightens his mood a bit. More importantly, we’re pretty sure he’ll need to tie one on as he spends more time with his newest and bestest buddy Carleton S. Stinkyfinger. Throw back a belt, Mayor, the Fink just won’t shut his fool pie hole.
Derrick Diggs. To the outgoing Chief of Toledo Police we offer a free hour of consultation with former Top Cop Jack Smith. Jackie boy was the Chief for about a minute and a half until he was let go due to philosophical differences with Carty. Now Chief Diggs has resigned over philosophical differences with the Mayor-elect and his aide-de-camp Carleton S. We’re sure a good convo with Smith would let Diggs get a lot off his chest.
Adam Martinez. The incumbent Toledo Councilman was defeated in his re-election bid by a literal handful of votes. Now he has removed himself from consideration for the appointment to replace Collins on Council, saying he hasn’t the time to be a Councilman. So we give him a broken clock, one that doesn’t run, so the time never moves. After all, if he didn’t have time to be a Councilman, why did he run for re-election? Only time will tell. But not on that broken clock it won’t.
The Magnificent Seven. After an election that threw two incumbents off Council, only seven of twelve current Council members will be returning to legislative office next year. They’ll be joined by Sleepy Jack Ford, former pugilist Larry Sykes, septuagenarian Theresa Gabriel, newbie Sandy Spang, and a District Two rep to be named later. This motley mix has all the markings of a potential disaster. We thus give the Magnificent Seven, namely, Mike Craig, Paula Hicks-Hudson, Rob Ludeman, Tyrone Riley, Steven Steel, Tom Waniewski, and Lindsay Webb all the Prozac they can possibly handle. Buckle up and fly high, it’s looking to be a turbulent ride.
Some quick hitters. Council member-elect Theresa Gabriel. We wish to give her a freaking clue. Auditor Anita Lopez. We give her the ability to put two coherent sentences together for her twenty fourteen re-election after her dumpster fire Mayoral run this year. Carty Finkelsteiner. We give him a one-way ticket. It can be to virtually anywhere, as long as he enjoys it so much he promises to stay the heck out of T-Town politics.
And last, to the long-suffering Toledo electorate. We give you a windshield, so you can actually put your eyes forward and have a vision of what’s up ahead. You seem to be stuck staring at the rear view mirror, returning the sleepy walrus to office, putting your Uncle Dennis on the 22nd Floor, who seems hell bent on filling offices with a bunch of FOCers (Friends of Carty), and generally getting stuck in retrograde. It’ll make this column basically write itself. But it doesn’t bode well for the future of our dear frog patch.
That’s it for this year. We wanted to give something to a few other folks, but we frankly lost interest. So here’s to peace on earth as the calendar flips, lads and lasses. We’re all gonna’ need it. And to all, as they say, a good night.
Sometimes we think we get a pretty bad rap. Folks knee deep in City Politics seem to think we’re nothin’ but a big ol’ meany, feverishly waiting like a rabid mongrel to dig into any foible or missed step. Au contraire, mon frère. We’re actually quite cuddly, loving, as we do, all things froggy. And this is the season to prove it.
In the spirit of the holidaze we thus present our chock full-o-nuts gift list. Like the fat red elf his bad self, we hereby give the following local politicos our bestest gifts that they may have a season of joy and good will. Deck the halls, kiddeez!
Mike Bell. Ol’ Bell Bottoms makes the top of our gift list. As the frequent target of our tainted barbs over the four years of his single term as T-Town Mayor we feel we owe it to him to wish him well as he transitions back to civilian life. We thus give him a golden parachute that he might float softly and safely to terra firma. The loss of the fat mayoral salary may be a blow to late night clubbing, but we bet dollars to doughnuts he won’t be retired for long. You read it here first. His days as Guvnah Kasich’s “buddy” shan’t soon be forgot.
Dennis Michael Collins. To the Mayor-elect with the deer in the headlights look and both feet planted firmly in the nineteen fifties, we offer a full jug of his namesake Michael Collins Irish Whiskey. First, we hope it takes the edge off and lightens his mood a bit. More importantly, we’re pretty sure he’ll need to tie one on as he spends more time with his newest and bestest buddy Carleton S. Stinkyfinger. Throw back a belt, Mayor, the Fink just won’t shut his fool pie hole.
Derrick Diggs. To the outgoing Chief of Toledo Police we offer a free hour of consultation with former Top Cop Jack Smith. Jackie boy was the Chief for about a minute and a half until he was let go due to philosophical differences with Carty. Now Chief Diggs has resigned over philosophical differences with the Mayor-elect and his aide-de-camp Carleton S. We’re sure a good convo with Smith would let Diggs get a lot off his chest.
Adam Martinez. The incumbent Toledo Councilman was defeated in his re-election bid by a literal handful of votes. Now he has removed himself from consideration for the appointment to replace Collins on Council, saying he hasn’t the time to be a Councilman. So we give him a broken clock, one that doesn’t run, so the time never moves. After all, if he didn’t have time to be a Councilman, why did he run for re-election? Only time will tell. But not on that broken clock it won’t.
The Magnificent Seven. After an election that threw two incumbents off Council, only seven of twelve current Council members will be returning to legislative office next year. They’ll be joined by Sleepy Jack Ford, former pugilist Larry Sykes, septuagenarian Theresa Gabriel, newbie Sandy Spang, and a District Two rep to be named later. This motley mix has all the markings of a potential disaster. We thus give the Magnificent Seven, namely, Mike Craig, Paula Hicks-Hudson, Rob Ludeman, Tyrone Riley, Steven Steel, Tom Waniewski, and Lindsay Webb all the Prozac they can possibly handle. Buckle up and fly high, it’s looking to be a turbulent ride.
Some quick hitters. Council member-elect Theresa Gabriel. We wish to give her a freaking clue. Auditor Anita Lopez. We give her the ability to put two coherent sentences together for her twenty fourteen re-election after her dumpster fire Mayoral run this year. Carty Finkelsteiner. We give him a one-way ticket. It can be to virtually anywhere, as long as he enjoys it so much he promises to stay the heck out of T-Town politics.
And last, to the long-suffering Toledo electorate. We give you a windshield, so you can actually put your eyes forward and have a vision of what’s up ahead. You seem to be stuck staring at the rear view mirror, returning the sleepy walrus to office, putting your Uncle Dennis on the 22nd Floor, who seems hell bent on filling offices with a bunch of FOCers (Friends of Carty), and generally getting stuck in retrograde. It’ll make this column basically write itself. But it doesn’t bode well for the future of our dear frog patch.
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That’s it for this year. We wanted to give something to a few other folks, but we frankly lost interest. So here’s to peace on earth as the calendar flips, lads and lasses. We’re all gonna’ need it. And to all, as they say, a good night.
