Remember back when it used to be funny? It’s not so funny any more.
We used to refer to the Mayor of Toledo as “Unca Dennis.” This was intended to reflect that fact that his real first name isn’t Michael, like the early Twentieth-Century Irish revolutionary, Michael Collins. His real first name is Dennis. Like your friendly, drab, unassuming Uncle who you enjoy seeing on major holidays but don’t miss one bit in between.
Calling D. Mikey C. “Unca Dennis” was supposed to be a funny quip about his plodding, stultifying demeanor. Lately it seems to have taken a turn for the worst.
Now Our Dennis has become the befuddled, aging uncle who recalls the Glory Days of American Exceptionalism, and views the present era of progress with skepticism, even, dare we say, paranoia. Latter-day equivalents of commies lurking around every corner, a vast conspiracy looming in every American institution, and Our Dennis as the last bastion of good ol’ American gumption left to root it out.
You know the type. Addled and self-styled as the sole voice of reason lost in the Twenty-First Century wilderness. Unable to figure out smartphone apps but able to wax in numbing detail about things better left to other minds to sort out. Twisting alone in the hot wind of his own making.
Hard times
Which brings us to the State of The City. Toledo, Late Twenty Fourteen.
Our Dennis wants to remind you all that this has been the most difficult year that has ever faced a Toledo mayor. It’s Nineteen Seventy-Nine, and the second major energy crisis of the Seventies caused fuel costs to skyrocket, while a municipal workers strike caused nights of lawlessness, and…
Wait, it’s Nineteen Sixty-Seven, and violent riots led to the calling-in of the National Guard and a curfew as dozens of fires were set by Molotov cocktails. No, Two-Thousand Five and a neo-Nazi group’s appearance resulted in…Ummm, Nineteen Thirty-Four, in the depths of the Great Depression, unemployment soaring, and a massive strike at the Auto-Lite plant led to the National Guard being called. Two civilians were killed, dozens injured . . . Nineteen Sixty-Eight, two separate sets of riots, curfews imposed for over a month . . . Anthony Wayne trail fire . . . teachers strike . . . World War Two, and major rationing in effect . . .
No, Twenty Fourteen. Record-setting winter. Of course, it was municipal employees well under Dennis’ pay grade that did the hard work of fixing water mains, clearing streets and filling potholes, and a Chief of Staff who handled the daily operations of the City and the tragic death of two firefighters. But that was early in the year, and while undoubtedly a tragedy, it’s not something that should derail a Mayor’s leadership. And, unfortunately, it’s not unprecedented.
The water crisis of August. Perhaps caused in part by a fractious relationship between Our Dennis and the Ohio EPA, his nemesis since his ballistic days on Council. A massive community effort came together almost instantaneously to handle the crisis, and it was over.
Worst year ever? Seriously, Dennis. Pull your Big Boy pants up and get in the saddle. This is the ride you signed on for, so don’t piddle your panties now.
Then there are Dennis’ big plans for the future. He wants you to know that he is the Mayor of Toledo, not the region, so he will make every decision in a barricaded, parochial fashion that is as short-sighted as it is passé. Oops, we let a bit of editorial comment slip into the reporting there. Anyhoo, he’ll make unilateral changes without conversations with Lucas County officials. And oppose regionalizing water, while daring suburbs to find their own sources. What are they gonna do about it? Time will tell, Dennis.
On the economic development front. Now that the City owns Southwyck, we can finally get it developed. Just like City ownership of the old Northtowne property has spurred massive growth . . . oops, Northtowne isn’t in Dennis’ old Council district, so nary a peep about it. Nor the old Jeep plant, which has become a dumping ground for highway construction rubble.
The new Jeep plant is threatened with loss of the Wrangler, but never fear, Our Dennis has spoken with the owner of the corporate behemoth. Plus the City now owns a small piece of property across the street. If that doesn’t save Jeep, what will?
The vision thing
Lacking in all this is, as a former US President once put it, “the vision thing.” What is Our Dennis’ vision for the city? Making sure our poop doesn’t get into Lake Erie? Another round of scientists has assured us that isn’t happening, but regardless, is that what we’re left with? A few old mall sites, cutting the structural budget deficit, closed pools and monthly water billing. Whoopee.
But a lack of vision isn’t Our Dennis’ fault, sez he. It was the Most Difficult Year. And all Mike Bell’s fault. And they hate Our Dennis because he’s not a Democrat.
More likely the problem is that Dennis is not much of a democrat, as in, one who believes in the messy politics of working with people. He’s more of an autocrat, making pronouncements and taking names. Leadership by fiat, memo, and press conference. And thus left with his own limited, meager vision of a past long gone.
On second thought, this was a most difficult year. And it isn’t very funny at all.
