On this week’s episode of “Survivor: One Guvmint Center”…
We asked a random sampling of registered voters just what in the heck is up, and the results were fascinating. “That Carty. He knows how to mix things up!”
In order to make an omelet you have to break some eggs. Well, sure. But you don’t have to insult them, treat them like last weeks’ rancid garbage, and impugn their familial sex relations along the way. And besides, it’s just fluffy scrambled eggs.
Out-Stink
Contestant Number One. Carleton S. Finklestinker. Wandering through rush hour traffic with his narcissistic hand in the air, Your Carty has never seen an important political issue he couldn’t use to his own grandstanding advantage. Delicate negotiations with Fiat Chrysler? Yeah, Carty gets the job done. With demands and bully-boy epithets and abusive tactics and, man oh man, what powerful corporate executive doesn’t love to be scolded like a kindergartener? Wait, what was the question again?
So the guy whose name is on the Supreme Court decision legalizing gay marriage was in town. Carty met him at a Gay Pride event. Perfect opportunity to hurl some choice abuse, and Carty got the job done. An innocuous conversation turned into a freakshow, with Carty snapping off a non sequitur string of stern replies ending in “sir.” Then he demanded that his press agent find out the secret questions he will be asked in the upcoming mayoral debates. When the agent couldn’t deliver, Carty did his best Red Queen impression and screamed, “off with his head!”
Need a good coffee cup up side yer noggin? Want your kid to be called “fatso” on a viral Youtube vid? Carty gets the job done!
Hey, Finklestink, here’s the secret questions. Why did you fiddle while the water treatment plant burned? What were you thinking when you gave away the store to failed developments downtown? And since you were painting the streets instead of fixing them, why not a nice shade of blue?
Out-bully. Out-curse. Outlast. Carty the Cable Guy. Git ‘er done!
Changing the channel
And in this corner, one Crazy Cowboy, Mikey P. Bellbottoms. Bar fly extraordinaire. Lock up yer daughters, folks, Mikey P. is on the prowl! We gotta fight for our right to party! Twitter wars, meet Vimeo. Did he or didn’t he? And just what was she wearing under that shirt?
Out-blame. Out-deny. Out on the town.
Speaking of crazy, who doesn’t want a rolly coaster on the waterfront? Opal can out-crazy anyone. After all, she’s on a mission from God. Oh, and Mike Ferner sez if we’d just stop sending our tax dollars to the IRS we could fix our streets tomorrow. Tax fraud is a felony. Ferner knows about those, being a convicted felon his own darned self. Ferner got caught ending unjust wars by painting slogans on bridges. Out-nuts.
Okay, full stop. Folks, this isn’t reality TeeVee. We’re talking about administering $650 million worth of public services annually. There are continuous financial challenges, personnel decisions and allocations, crises unanticipated and accepted.
What we need is calm adult leadership. Not grandstanding or cheerleading. Not shots for the house. Not feel good slogans. After we wake up from the dream, the sewers are still really, really old.
We can’t afford to blow this. Get the job done.
