It’s just so crazy, it might work! Let us explain.
Folks all over town always want to know. What would Johnny do? Every election, and all social issues in between, we get asked time and time again. WWJD?
Usually we just give a wry smile and reply, “Check the column and find out.” But this is a year like no other. This year, there are so many contenders on the ballot you need a program to keep ‘em straight, so here we finally break out with a WWJD feature. Hildo’s endorsement for Mayor of Toledo!
Same ol’, same ol’
Now don’t get all excited. We will calmly and dispassionately break down the basic platform of each candidate, then decide who would make Toledo edgy and odd enough to make us proud.
Speaking of odd, let’s start with graffiti-lovin’ Mike Ferner. We keep waiting for the strangeness to spew forth. But instead we hear “fix the damn streets.” Great idea. Ferner sounds a little like a sixty-something crotchety old man. Oh, and he claims he’ll somehow get DC to send all its defense spending dollars our way. You couldn’t levitate the Pentagon in the Sixties, Mike, and you won’t do it now.
Then there’s Sandy Collins. Wants to keep on the hallowed course of her late husband. Does that mean record-breaking winters, and a 3-day “no drink” order for the water? Seems to us the course of D. Mikey has been overtaken. Isn’t it time for new ideas? Full speed ahead, Cap’n!
No thanks. And no thanks to the other Sandy, either. Talk about a new direction! Sandy Spang wants a different way to cobble together the city budget! What fun and forward-thinking hi-jinks! Come to Toledo, cats and chicas, we gots new budget planning!
That brings us to our old friend, Carty Finkerstinky. Wants to bring in a bunch of experts to solve our water issues. Which we didn’t have this year, by the way. At least this time Carty is only stuck one year in the past. This guy doesn’t use Twitter or Facebook. Heck, he uses a manual typewriter. To clarify for the kidz out there, you can’t tweet from a Selectric.
Mikey Bellbottoms is a playuh, and who doesn’t like that? His big campaign idea? Stability. Boy, talk about inspiration! But a balanced budget is a unique concept.
Paula HH has brought some steadiness and adult leadership to the 22nd floor. She’s also has had some interesting economic development ideas in her few months as Mayor. Industrial park in Southwyck, yeah, sure.
But how about a dinosaur park! And a water park! And an amusement park! And tourists from hither and yon making Toledo Fun City USA!
What Johnny would do
Now that’s an idea we can endorse. Open container area on Adams Street. Entertainment district downtown. Arts on Main Street. Public murals. Empty lot pop-up parks.
What else you got? Let’s get strange, Toledo! Maybe not voice-of-God Opal strange, but off-the-wall slap-in-duh-face whacky!
That’s what Johnny would do. Vote for whoever. But make it odd!
