Tuesday, November 5, 2024

Fifteen minutes of fame

 

‘Tis the season, kideez, and we’re feeling fat and jolly. Ho, ho, ho and all that.  

Usually we spend our precious column inches dumping our questionable opinions on unsuspecting readers, blathering on and on about the dupes and dunderheads in city politics. This issue we’ve decided to take a different tack. In the spirit of the season we shall give, give, and more give. Instead of burdening you with our dubious judgment we give you the opinion of Jane Q. Public, an average Toledoan.

OK, our average Toledoan isn’t actually named Jane, so we’ll call her Jennifer Q. Public. Jennifer is a 36-year-old married white woman who lives in a house her family owns and gets by on a household income under $40,000 per year. Believe it or not she is the perfect demographic match to Toledo’s averages according to current census data. We tracked her down during holiday shopping at a local retail establishment and asked her opinion on the matters of the day.

Jennifer, it’s Johnny Hildo from the Toledo City Paper. Mind if we ask you some pressing political questions?  

Jennifer Q.: I only have a few minutes, so make it snappy. I don’t keep up on politics much.

That’s OK, we don’t either, but that doesn’t stop us from forming strong opinions. First question: There has been a lot of talk about changing the form of Lucas County guvmint from the current individually-elected row offices to a charter form with an elected county executive who would appoint the equivalent of those offices. How many current county office holders can you name?

Jennifer Q.: Wasn’t Marcy Kaptur on the ballot this year? I think she beat that guy who does the Nazi re-enactments. Let’s see, then there’s that Wade guy with the long last name, I think he’s on the county council, I voted for him, too. There are a bunch of judges, but they didn’t have any opponents. Aren’t a bunch of them named Cook?

Actually Marcy is in the US House of Representatives and she beat the World War II re-enactor two years ago. This year she beat Sam Wurzelbacher of “I dissed the President” fame. Wade Kapszukiewicz is the County treasurer, and Gary and Stacy Cook are both County judges. Next Q. There is a fight brewing over who will replace Phil Copeland as an at-large member of Toledo City Council. How many current members can you name, and who has lined up to replace Copeland?

Jennifer Q.: No clue. Sorry. Oh wait, Jack Ford is in there somewhere, isn’t he? And there’s something about unions … yeah, I remember, Copeland is a union guy and the local unions want someone from a union to replace him, but their candidate had some sort of legal trouble. And Jack wants to run. Right?

Pretty close. The other at-large members are McNamara, Ludeman …

Jennifer Q.: Right, and that guy who was on the school board, and Sarantou, he ran for County and lost to Ben Konop, and that good looking Hispanic fella…

Steel, Sarantou, and Martinez. And Ford and Shaun Enright are the wannabes. Along with a few others. Do you read our column?

Jennifer Q.: Religiously. But the names are all mashed up. I like Mayor Bell, but something about him creeps me out.

So you don’t pay much attention to the office holders. Let’s try the issues. What about the Chinese wealthy elite investing in Toledo?

Jennifer Q.: Haven’t seen so much as a shovel of dirt thrown over there on the East Side.  And aren’t there any investors closer to home? Didn’t someone from Ohio re-do that building by the Trail?

Standart Lofts, and they were from Michigan.

Jennifer Q.: Why doesn’t the mayor take a few less trips across the Pacific and a few more up north, then?

He’s up for re-election in 2013. You should ask him. Know who his likely opponents are?

Jennifer Q.: Nope.

Never mind. You seem like a level-headed, no-nonsense kinda gal. We know Hizzoner Bell Bottoms reads our column. It’s your column now. What is the biggest issue he should focus on?

Jennifer Q.: You probably want me to say the economy, or jobs and stuff like that. But I think a lot of that is out of local control. I care about the quality of education for our kids, but he doesn’t control that either. Honestly, I think the number one issue is violence in our city, especially against women. It seems every day some jealous boyfriend or ex-husband takes out his frustrated manhood by hurting or killing a woman. But no one talks about it. I haven’t seen the Mayor talk about it once. What do you propose on that one, Mayor Bell? And people who want to run against him, cut through the poll-tested sound bites, what do you have to say about violence against women? Bet none of ‘em will say a thing. Not one thing.

What about it, Bell Bottoms, Joe Mac, and Anita “Stepping Stone” Lopez? Inquiring Jennifers want to know.

 

HILDO BITES:

 

Shop local for the holidays!

 

‘Tis the season, kideez, and we’re feeling fat and jolly. Ho, ho, ho and all that.  

Usually we spend our precious column inches dumping our questionable opinions on unsuspecting readers, blathering on and on about the dupes and dunderheads in city politics. This issue we’ve decided to take a different tack. In the spirit of the season we shall give, give, and more give. Instead of burdening you with our dubious judgment we give you the opinion of Jane Q. Public, an average Toledoan.

OK, our average Toledoan isn’t actually named Jane, so we’ll call her Jennifer Q. Public. Jennifer is a 36-year-old married white woman who lives in a house her family owns and gets by on a household income under $40,000 per year. Believe it or not she is the perfect demographic match to Toledo’s averages according to current census data. We tracked her down during holiday shopping at a local retail establishment and asked her opinion on the matters of the day.

Jennifer, it’s Johnny Hildo from the Toledo City Paper. Mind if we ask you some pressing political questions?  

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Jennifer Q.: I only have a few minutes, so make it snappy. I don’t keep up on politics much.

That’s OK, we don’t either, but that doesn’t stop us from forming strong opinions. First question: There has been a lot of talk about changing the form of Lucas County guvmint from the current individually-elected row offices to a charter form with an elected county executive who would appoint the equivalent of those offices. How many current county office holders can you name?

Jennifer Q.: Wasn’t Marcy Kaptur on the ballot this year? I think she beat that guy who does the Nazi re-enactments. Let’s see, then there’s that Wade guy with the long last name, I think he’s on the county council, I voted for him, too. There are a bunch of judges, but they didn’t have any opponents. Aren’t a bunch of them named Cook?

Actually Marcy is in the US House of Representatives and she beat the World War II re-enactor two years ago. This year she beat Sam Wurzelbacher of “I dissed the President” fame. Wade Kapszukiewicz is the County treasurer, and Gary and Stacy Cook are both County judges. Next Q. There is a fight brewing over who will replace Phil Copeland as an at-large member of Toledo City Council. How many current members can you name, and who has lined up to replace Copeland?

Jennifer Q.: No clue. Sorry. Oh wait, Jack Ford is in there somewhere, isn’t he? And there’s something about unions … yeah, I remember, Copeland is a union guy and the local unions want someone from a union to replace him, but their candidate had some sort of legal trouble. And Jack wants to run. Right?

Pretty close. The other at-large members are McNamara, Ludeman …

Jennifer Q.: Right, and that guy who was on the school board, and Sarantou, he ran for County and lost to Ben Konop, and that good looking Hispanic fella…

Steel, Sarantou, and Martinez. And Ford and Shaun Enright are the wannabes. Along with a few others. Do you read our column?

Jennifer Q.: Religiously. But the names are all mashed up. I like Mayor Bell, but something about him creeps me out.

So you don’t pay much attention to the office holders. Let’s try the issues. What about the Chinese wealthy elite investing in Toledo?

Jennifer Q.: Haven’t seen so much as a shovel of dirt thrown over there on the East Side.  And aren’t there any investors closer to home? Didn’t someone from Ohio re-do that building by the Trail?

Standart Lofts, and they were from Michigan.

Jennifer Q.: Why doesn’t the mayor take a few less trips across the Pacific and a few more up north, then?

He’s up for re-election in 2013. You should ask him. Know who his likely opponents are?

Jennifer Q.: Nope.

Never mind. You seem like a level-headed, no-nonsense kinda gal. We know Hizzoner Bell Bottoms reads our column. It’s your column now. What is the biggest issue he should focus on?

Jennifer Q.: You probably want me to say the economy, or jobs and stuff like that. But I think a lot of that is out of local control. I care about the quality of education for our kids, but he doesn’t control that either. Honestly, I think the number one issue is violence in our city, especially against women. It seems every day some jealous boyfriend or ex-husband takes out his frustrated manhood by hurting or killing a woman. But no one talks about it. I haven’t seen the Mayor talk about it once. What do you propose on that one, Mayor Bell? And people who want to run against him, cut through the poll-tested sound bites, what do you have to say about violence against women? Bet none of ‘em will say a thing. Not one thing.

What about it, Bell Bottoms, Joe Mac, and Anita “Stepping Stone” Lopez? Inquiring Jennifers want to know.

 

HILDO BITES:

 

Shop local for the holidays!

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