Punch drunk: Candidates square off, literally, in City Politics

. October 25, 2017.

If ever there was a “stop the presses!” moment it’s this one.
We were about to put the proverbial pen to paper for the typical rundown on candidates in advance of the November 7 general election. We know readerz like yourself crave the ol’ Hildo one-two.

Our predictions and prognostications are coveted throughout the land. Okay, at least throughout the Froggy-land. Anyhoo, we were ready, willing, and able to get into the thicket with the sticky wicket and give you our book on Campaign Twenty Seventeen.

Then the TCP Political Party happened. And nothing will ever be the same again.

Talent show

If you weren’t there, shame onya, but check out the video on the TCP web page. What can be said about the crop o’ crazies running for office this fall after that stunning display? We’ll just jot down some notes, but we wuz impressed by the display of guts by all the participants.

Jim Anderson, candidate for judge, did a rap that included lyrics making some interesting demands. Council incumbent Rob Who?deman sang John Lennon’s “Imagine,” with a unique interpretation of the song. Ruth Leonard may not be a school board member come twenty eighteen, but she can give Adele a run for her money. We’d say judicial candidate Nicole Khoury would give Janis Joplin a run, too, but poor ol’ Janis isn’t running much lately.

Council candidate Nick Komives can screen a mean shirt, and we agree, Toledo should be much gayer. Fellow candidate Sam Melden knows a really great a capella quartet, and how to use it, too. And candidate Gary Johnson can busta rhyme better’n Busta Rhymes.

Clyde Phillips, needing a prayer in November, showed some innovative stage presence with a face drawn on the back of his head that he referred to as “Nick Komives.” Patricia Robinson, belted out a song that made her sound, well, interesting. And Wade, just so you know, “Oliver” did not win the 1967 Oscar. “In the Heat of the Night” did.

Like any night of glitz and glamor, there were a few cameo appearances. Council President Steven Steel, not on the ballot due to term limits, nevertheless kicked off the festivities, and Mayor Paula HH, reportedly lurking around outside, never made it into the show. We hear local GOP chair Jon Stainbrook was there, too. The glitterati was indeed out in force.

Choking the chicken

The real stars of the show never made it onto the stage, though. See, Councilman Larry Sykes was once a champion boxer, not the kind of talent normally displayed in the political arena. Or in a talent show, for that matter.

Enter self-styled agitator and erstwhile Council candidate Julian Mack. Mack launched his smack-attack on Sykes from the minute the latter began the slow walk on the red carpet leading to the event. Sykes tried to brush it off, but Smack was having none of it. Nothing riles up a smack-talker like being ignored.

Smack decided he needed an audience, so he tried to spin Sykes around to face him. Bad move, Smack ol’ chap. Sykes still has those boxer’s reflexes.

Rather than admit the error of his ways, Smack decided to up the ante by filming the incident and calling the po-po. Yep, the same po-po that Smack had famously weeks ago admonished us to have rough sex with.

Smack told the police that Sykes had choked him and punched him in the face. They duly took Sykes away, while Smack redoubled his smack-attack on anyone in the vicinity who would listen. He then took his side of the story to social media, posting a picture he says shows him being choked.

The truth will win out, they say. Here’s some thoughts in the meantime. It’s doubtful someone being choked would have the wherewithal to take a picture (except if you had set the ol’ smart phone up to capture a pre-planned incident). If’n you dish it out, you gotta learn to take it. Remember that jerk kid in your class who would start a fight and then run to the teacher and tattle after he got punked? What an arse-hat.

Then there’s this one, Mr. Smack. Sykes’ attorney issued a statement on October 23rd stating that both he and Smack agree, “many facts surrounding this matter have been misunderstood.” Smack now wants to get out of the court case and settle the misunderstandings out of the prying public eye. Shoulda thought about that before rushing to call the police and media. What goes up, must come down.

As for Sykes, it’s a heckuva press hit within weeks of an election. Here’s the one prediction we’ll make. The election will be a referendum on how many voters want to go back in time and choke out that jerky kid arse-hat from school.
We think Sykes is a shoo-in.